You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
