ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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