genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
