She's JV to your varsity
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize