Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
