I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
