Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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