I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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