Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
