Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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