It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
