you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize