Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
