if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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