Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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