Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently you make a good broom.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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