You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Randomize
