margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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