Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
