On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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