He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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