So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize