sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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