The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
