I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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