Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
