Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
