2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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