I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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