Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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