I wish I only lived at night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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