And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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