there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
