Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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