I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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