Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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