apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
