Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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