We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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