I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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