Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
