my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
