he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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