Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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