At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
