having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
soo... how was my night?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
