this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
