She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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