2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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