I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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