Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize