Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
smell my finger.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
