do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
