he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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