Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
