why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
