Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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