When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
