my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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