note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
