wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
no you cant smoke seaweed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
